Post by TFP on Mar 13, 2008 14:14:01 GMT -4
We open on Chris Tougher in a candy store. He sits on the large window-sill with his back against the window. He has a big brown-bag filled with red licorice.
"As if there isn't enough shit on my dick at the moment, now you might as well call it a turd or mistake it as a black man's penis. In APW dot com's words, there's a new tag team on the block here in the federation. Like all tag teams out there in the sport, you don't have to guess what their intentions are, but the webmaster of the place is a moron and made it obvious for the slow. So they want to be the tag team champions? Well, what the Hell is fucking stopping the both of you? If you want the titles, you're most likely going to get a shot at them some day in the future, whether that's next week, a month from now or at the pay per view. Who knows, but quite frankly, I don't care yet. I'll put my attention on the two of you when you are worthy of it. Until then, you'll just be two guys with a cool tag team name. You might think that's enough to get over in the wrestling business, but you're sadly wrong. So you guys can kind of sit in the backstage area for awhile and wait until it's your turn to show up on television when you're needed, because at the moment, Johnny and I are busy with a whole bunch of things that don't involve you two in any shape or form."
Pause.
"Jason Price and John Fair, two new guys in this federation who pretty much stole one another's goals. They want to be the World champion of this company, but then again, who doesn't have that goal on their list of things to do? I know that I have it there, but it's a bit further down my list because at the moment I have other things that I want to accomplish before I even come close to that opportunity to the APW World title. Looking at that title now, I see guys like James Tsunami, Johnny Legend and Davidson fighting in order to win that title. We might as well just let them all wrestle until they retire or leave the federation for whatever reason, because they tend to do that in a lot of federations that they are in. BWA, FWA, W2K... need I say more? Anywho, I think that I should move onto what I'm doing this week on Dangerzone."
Chris takes a bite of his red licorice.
"After getting my ass demolished by Jacob Greene last week in a surprise match, this week management decided to book me instead of catching me on television, crying in front of thousands over not being on a card, then throwing me in a match against the company's biggest monster. So I was beaten badly, I'm not sure if it was because they saw me throwing a tantrum backstage and they wanted to punish me or if Jacob just hates sensitive people, but that's besides the point. My point is, I don't need to cry this week because I've been told my match prior to the show. So no more tears for awhile, unless my cats decide to unexpectedly scratch me when I come home. They have a tendency to do that."
Breath and a bite.
"My opponents this week are Jason Price and John Fair. It's funny, because when I look at their names I notice something VERY weird about them. Jason's first and last name both have five letters, while John's first and last name both have four. You know what that means, don't you? Of course you do, it means that they each get that amount in ass-kickings at Dangerzone. Sorry, Jason, I know that you're an amazing wrestler and all, but your teeth are going to have to get kicked down your throat in this match while John's will just get a stiff-kick and whether or not they all fall out, it all depends on how hard the impact of the bottom of my foot is. So don't think just because I'm one-half of the Tag Team champions doesn't mean that I'm not good at single-match wrestling, because that's far from the truth. Fact is, I'm probably one of this federation's best single-match wrestlers, but I choose to be a tag team wrestler for different reasons. One; my partner is most likely to be the ladies-man, so therefore, if he is able to get some ass in the federation then I'm most likely to get some, too. Second; if I'm feeling lazy some day, then my partner could do his share of the work while I stand around doing sweet fuck all. Third; double-team moves are super awesome, have you ever seen a superplex from a ladder? Neither have I, but the Famous Tough Guys can make it happen. But this week it's time for me to break away from all of that for a little while because no matter how much fun Johnny and I have as a team, we do need to wrestle by ourselves once in awhile."
Chris eats two licorice sticks.
"Jason Price had a good victory last week against his opponent, whoever it was, I think it was Chav Von Emo or something like that, and John Fair had an AMAZING and I mean AMAZING loss against the Blue Monsoon on Dangerzone six. What happened there, big guy? You were down on the ground basically three-quarters of the match and your ass got whipped some guy who isn't as large as you. I thought it was pretty humorous, myself, but that's just my opinion, you don't have to respect it... you don't even have to listen to it, to be honest. I just wanted to get that out there because going into this match, I think a guy like me who is two or three inches shorter than your last opponent will keep you down longer in this upcoming competition. I hope that is so, because that would be something funny yet amazing to see. But is it really that great? Are you as good and as big as a wrestler as you woul claim? You're John Fair, the man who claims to be the WARRIOR! Honestly, nothing there clicks with me. It doesn't excite me, keep me entertained... it doesn't make me wonder about you. John Fair. That's probably the most plain name around, other than John Smith. And when I think of the Warrior, this image pops up in my mind..."
imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/LPG/51451~Warrior-Posters.jpg
"Nice ass... faggot."
Stretch and he eats another licorice.
"Oh, and Jason Price, you're that guy with a cool moveset where over half of your moves have a name and each and every one of them has the word Price in there somewhere. The Price is Right, the Price to Pay, Price-Chopper, Price and Rice, all sorts of stuff like that. I'm not ripping on your ability in the ring or anything, I like the stuff that you do in that wrestling ring, I think you're an entertaining guy. I'm not even upset about the fact how you idolize Chris Benoit, because with recent news, the guy's actions were brought on by brain damage. So his stuff was probably not intentional, that's good to know, that way I won't have to worry about whether or not he was just a mad man. But do you know what wrestling move was believed to have been the cause of his brain damage that brought on the demensia and all sorts of bad stuff like that? The diving headbutt, and after looking at your statistics awhile ago, I noticed that you are another wrestler who is using that wrestling move. You've basically turned Benoit's move-set into your own. Upset? Disappointed? I'm not, I'm just a little bit confused as to why you would use that move after the bad reputation it has been getting as of late. Wouldn't you worry for your own safety and your family's? I'm sure that your wife and children, if you got any, are worried. So seeing how you are now going to be wrestling me and most likely trying to pull that move off on the Warrior or myself, I'll make sure that it doesn't happen. No, I won't give you a lecture... I'll get up off of my back and beat the living crap out of you with a bunch of kicks and punches while you're in mid-air."
He smiles innocently.
"After a couple matches with me and seeing how you won't be able to fly in the ring and pull off that move with success or without interuption, you'll probably be packing your bags and heading out of here, going to whatever lacking promotion is in need of superstars like you. Or maybe you will go sit with Bob Barker in a retirement home, knowing that your career is as dead as his is. You will be known as a former professional wrestler, while he is known as a former television show host. Now that's priceless, Jason. But there's only one real price in the real world, and that is the price you pay. Today I spent $11.23 on red licorice."
He looks at the empty bag.
"It was worth every cent."
He crumples the brown-bag up into a ball and throws it into a trash-can, then he gets up and buys more red licorice. Fade.
"As if there isn't enough shit on my dick at the moment, now you might as well call it a turd or mistake it as a black man's penis. In APW dot com's words, there's a new tag team on the block here in the federation. Like all tag teams out there in the sport, you don't have to guess what their intentions are, but the webmaster of the place is a moron and made it obvious for the slow. So they want to be the tag team champions? Well, what the Hell is fucking stopping the both of you? If you want the titles, you're most likely going to get a shot at them some day in the future, whether that's next week, a month from now or at the pay per view. Who knows, but quite frankly, I don't care yet. I'll put my attention on the two of you when you are worthy of it. Until then, you'll just be two guys with a cool tag team name. You might think that's enough to get over in the wrestling business, but you're sadly wrong. So you guys can kind of sit in the backstage area for awhile and wait until it's your turn to show up on television when you're needed, because at the moment, Johnny and I are busy with a whole bunch of things that don't involve you two in any shape or form."
Pause.
"Jason Price and John Fair, two new guys in this federation who pretty much stole one another's goals. They want to be the World champion of this company, but then again, who doesn't have that goal on their list of things to do? I know that I have it there, but it's a bit further down my list because at the moment I have other things that I want to accomplish before I even come close to that opportunity to the APW World title. Looking at that title now, I see guys like James Tsunami, Johnny Legend and Davidson fighting in order to win that title. We might as well just let them all wrestle until they retire or leave the federation for whatever reason, because they tend to do that in a lot of federations that they are in. BWA, FWA, W2K... need I say more? Anywho, I think that I should move onto what I'm doing this week on Dangerzone."
Chris takes a bite of his red licorice.
"After getting my ass demolished by Jacob Greene last week in a surprise match, this week management decided to book me instead of catching me on television, crying in front of thousands over not being on a card, then throwing me in a match against the company's biggest monster. So I was beaten badly, I'm not sure if it was because they saw me throwing a tantrum backstage and they wanted to punish me or if Jacob just hates sensitive people, but that's besides the point. My point is, I don't need to cry this week because I've been told my match prior to the show. So no more tears for awhile, unless my cats decide to unexpectedly scratch me when I come home. They have a tendency to do that."
Breath and a bite.
"My opponents this week are Jason Price and John Fair. It's funny, because when I look at their names I notice something VERY weird about them. Jason's first and last name both have five letters, while John's first and last name both have four. You know what that means, don't you? Of course you do, it means that they each get that amount in ass-kickings at Dangerzone. Sorry, Jason, I know that you're an amazing wrestler and all, but your teeth are going to have to get kicked down your throat in this match while John's will just get a stiff-kick and whether or not they all fall out, it all depends on how hard the impact of the bottom of my foot is. So don't think just because I'm one-half of the Tag Team champions doesn't mean that I'm not good at single-match wrestling, because that's far from the truth. Fact is, I'm probably one of this federation's best single-match wrestlers, but I choose to be a tag team wrestler for different reasons. One; my partner is most likely to be the ladies-man, so therefore, if he is able to get some ass in the federation then I'm most likely to get some, too. Second; if I'm feeling lazy some day, then my partner could do his share of the work while I stand around doing sweet fuck all. Third; double-team moves are super awesome, have you ever seen a superplex from a ladder? Neither have I, but the Famous Tough Guys can make it happen. But this week it's time for me to break away from all of that for a little while because no matter how much fun Johnny and I have as a team, we do need to wrestle by ourselves once in awhile."
Chris eats two licorice sticks.
"Jason Price had a good victory last week against his opponent, whoever it was, I think it was Chav Von Emo or something like that, and John Fair had an AMAZING and I mean AMAZING loss against the Blue Monsoon on Dangerzone six. What happened there, big guy? You were down on the ground basically three-quarters of the match and your ass got whipped some guy who isn't as large as you. I thought it was pretty humorous, myself, but that's just my opinion, you don't have to respect it... you don't even have to listen to it, to be honest. I just wanted to get that out there because going into this match, I think a guy like me who is two or three inches shorter than your last opponent will keep you down longer in this upcoming competition. I hope that is so, because that would be something funny yet amazing to see. But is it really that great? Are you as good and as big as a wrestler as you woul claim? You're John Fair, the man who claims to be the WARRIOR! Honestly, nothing there clicks with me. It doesn't excite me, keep me entertained... it doesn't make me wonder about you. John Fair. That's probably the most plain name around, other than John Smith. And when I think of the Warrior, this image pops up in my mind..."
imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/LPG/51451~Warrior-Posters.jpg
"Nice ass... faggot."
Stretch and he eats another licorice.
"Oh, and Jason Price, you're that guy with a cool moveset where over half of your moves have a name and each and every one of them has the word Price in there somewhere. The Price is Right, the Price to Pay, Price-Chopper, Price and Rice, all sorts of stuff like that. I'm not ripping on your ability in the ring or anything, I like the stuff that you do in that wrestling ring, I think you're an entertaining guy. I'm not even upset about the fact how you idolize Chris Benoit, because with recent news, the guy's actions were brought on by brain damage. So his stuff was probably not intentional, that's good to know, that way I won't have to worry about whether or not he was just a mad man. But do you know what wrestling move was believed to have been the cause of his brain damage that brought on the demensia and all sorts of bad stuff like that? The diving headbutt, and after looking at your statistics awhile ago, I noticed that you are another wrestler who is using that wrestling move. You've basically turned Benoit's move-set into your own. Upset? Disappointed? I'm not, I'm just a little bit confused as to why you would use that move after the bad reputation it has been getting as of late. Wouldn't you worry for your own safety and your family's? I'm sure that your wife and children, if you got any, are worried. So seeing how you are now going to be wrestling me and most likely trying to pull that move off on the Warrior or myself, I'll make sure that it doesn't happen. No, I won't give you a lecture... I'll get up off of my back and beat the living crap out of you with a bunch of kicks and punches while you're in mid-air."
He smiles innocently.
"After a couple matches with me and seeing how you won't be able to fly in the ring and pull off that move with success or without interuption, you'll probably be packing your bags and heading out of here, going to whatever lacking promotion is in need of superstars like you. Or maybe you will go sit with Bob Barker in a retirement home, knowing that your career is as dead as his is. You will be known as a former professional wrestler, while he is known as a former television show host. Now that's priceless, Jason. But there's only one real price in the real world, and that is the price you pay. Today I spent $11.23 on red licorice."
He looks at the empty bag.
"It was worth every cent."
He crumples the brown-bag up into a ball and throws it into a trash-can, then he gets up and buys more red licorice. Fade.