Post by TFP on Oct 21, 2008 15:53:35 GMT -4
Null and Void are sitting at a raceway in England, watching as cars fly by on the track. No, this isn’t NASCAR, people… it’s BRITCAR. They are with Dave Simms, new BWA commentator. The man who sells hot dogs walks up the stairs with a box full of hot dogs, so Void waves his money around.
Void; “Hey, hot dog guy. Over here.”
The hot dog guy walks over to Null and Void.
Hot Dog Guy; “So you want to buy a hot dog?”
Void; “Do you have any sushi?”
Hot Dog Guy; “Yeah. I have sushi.”
Void; “All right. Hmm… tell me about this hot dog.”
Hot Dog Guy; “Well, it’s a bunch of mince meat ground up into the finest meat particles that there are around. Then they get some sort of thin and digestible skin from an animal’s intestine and they fill it with all the meat they have. Then it is usually left to freeze and it turn out to look like this when it’s all done.”
The hot dog guy shows Void the hot dog.
Dave Simms; “And what’s sushi?”
Hot Dog Guy; “Raw fish.”
Dave Simms; “Ewww… I’ll have a hot dog.”
The hot dog guy and Dave exchange hot dog for money, and they both leave as happy men.
BRITCAR Commentator; “And here comes Isaac Collins, England’s finest, around the track and HE WINS THE BRITCAR 500!”
Void; “Huh?”
Null; “What’s so good about winning a word called BRITCAR 500?”
Void; “I know, at least give him a trophy or even a coupon for a free manicure.”
Null; “God, this is more disappointing than find out why the teacher in Pay It Forward has a messed up face.”
---
Mr. Simonet sits in his car and Trevor stands by his door, looking at him. Five minutes of awkward silence.
Trevor; “Mr. Simonet… why is your face like that?”
Mr. Simonet thinks, he drives off. He goes down the road in silence, thinking. He arrives home and opens his car door, closing it. He enters his house and stands in his bathroom, soaking his face with a handful of water.
He sighs.
He dries his face off and walks to his living room to watch television. After he is done, he walks to his kitchen and makes coffee. He sits at the table, alone, and drinks the coffee. Around midnight, he walks to his bedroom and lies in bed.
Staring at the ceiling, he decides to tell the answer.
Mr. Simonet; “I was burned.”
---
With Dave Simms, Null and Void sit in the back of a limo outside of the BRITCAR raceway. The limo driver begins to drive the vehicle down the road and Null grabs some liquor from the bar. He takes a swig of alcohol right from the bottle, so Void joins in by grabbing a bottle of his own. Dave grabs a carton of milk and drinks from it.
Null; “Somebody’s going to get kidney stones.”
Void; “Yeah, you’re going to be in a whole lot of pain when you have to pass those out.”
Null; “Better watch out you don’t pass out, also.”
Void; “But we’re Chinese, we don’t have to worry about drinking too much milk… those stones are bigger than our—”
Null; “RABBLE!”
Silence.
Void; “Those things will stretch your unit out big-time. It’s like you’ll be walking with a beaver tail in the front of yourself. When you dive in the water and it connects with the surface, it’ll sound like a damn gunshot! Not to mention that cockslaps will be a whole lot improved.”
Null; “THAT was just the SICKEST thing that I’ve heard in a LONG time.”
Void; “It’s not as sick as that thing Jessica Alba said at the Playboy Mansion on our birthdays.”
---
Null and Void enter the Playboy Mansion and there’s a large cake in the middle of the foyer. The two grin and walk towards it, but Jessica Alba walks before them and doesn’t let them get to their cake.
Null; “Do you know how many eggs it took to make that cake?”
Jessica Alba; “No, I don’t… but do you know what the difference between those eggs and mine are?”
Null; “…No?”
Jessica Alba; “You’re going to fertilize mine!”
Null; “What?!”
Jessica drags Null up the stairs to a bed-room. Null starts to scream and he soon runs out of the room and jumps into the cake from the top of the staircase. Cake splatters everywhere and Hugh Hefner comes in, glaring around. He looks at Jessica and points.
Hugh Hefner; “SHE’S NOT A BUNNY! Girls, get her!”
Random Playboy Bunnies run up the stairs giggling and they jump all over Jessica. She eventually vanishes, but when Jenna Jameson gets up we can see that Miss Alba is stuck between her boobs.
Null; “Sexy.”
---
We arrive at the BWA arena and Dave Simms leaves the limo with the Changs.
Dave Simms; “So an interview later, guys?”
Void; “Sounds good, Dave.”
Dave Simms; “Excellent. See ya.”
Null; “See ya.”
Void; “Hey, hot dog guy. Over here.”
The hot dog guy walks over to Null and Void.
Hot Dog Guy; “So you want to buy a hot dog?”
Void; “Do you have any sushi?”
Hot Dog Guy; “Yeah. I have sushi.”
Void; “All right. Hmm… tell me about this hot dog.”
Hot Dog Guy; “Well, it’s a bunch of mince meat ground up into the finest meat particles that there are around. Then they get some sort of thin and digestible skin from an animal’s intestine and they fill it with all the meat they have. Then it is usually left to freeze and it turn out to look like this when it’s all done.”
The hot dog guy shows Void the hot dog.
Dave Simms; “And what’s sushi?”
Hot Dog Guy; “Raw fish.”
Dave Simms; “Ewww… I’ll have a hot dog.”
The hot dog guy and Dave exchange hot dog for money, and they both leave as happy men.
BRITCAR Commentator; “And here comes Isaac Collins, England’s finest, around the track and HE WINS THE BRITCAR 500!”
Void; “Huh?”
Null; “What’s so good about winning a word called BRITCAR 500?”
Void; “I know, at least give him a trophy or even a coupon for a free manicure.”
Null; “God, this is more disappointing than find out why the teacher in Pay It Forward has a messed up face.”
---
Mr. Simonet sits in his car and Trevor stands by his door, looking at him. Five minutes of awkward silence.
Trevor; “Mr. Simonet… why is your face like that?”
Mr. Simonet thinks, he drives off. He goes down the road in silence, thinking. He arrives home and opens his car door, closing it. He enters his house and stands in his bathroom, soaking his face with a handful of water.
He sighs.
He dries his face off and walks to his living room to watch television. After he is done, he walks to his kitchen and makes coffee. He sits at the table, alone, and drinks the coffee. Around midnight, he walks to his bedroom and lies in bed.
Staring at the ceiling, he decides to tell the answer.
Mr. Simonet; “I was burned.”
---
With Dave Simms, Null and Void sit in the back of a limo outside of the BRITCAR raceway. The limo driver begins to drive the vehicle down the road and Null grabs some liquor from the bar. He takes a swig of alcohol right from the bottle, so Void joins in by grabbing a bottle of his own. Dave grabs a carton of milk and drinks from it.
Null; “Somebody’s going to get kidney stones.”
Void; “Yeah, you’re going to be in a whole lot of pain when you have to pass those out.”
Null; “Better watch out you don’t pass out, also.”
Void; “But we’re Chinese, we don’t have to worry about drinking too much milk… those stones are bigger than our—”
Null; “RABBLE!”
Silence.
Void; “Those things will stretch your unit out big-time. It’s like you’ll be walking with a beaver tail in the front of yourself. When you dive in the water and it connects with the surface, it’ll sound like a damn gunshot! Not to mention that cockslaps will be a whole lot improved.”
Null; “THAT was just the SICKEST thing that I’ve heard in a LONG time.”
Void; “It’s not as sick as that thing Jessica Alba said at the Playboy Mansion on our birthdays.”
---
Null and Void enter the Playboy Mansion and there’s a large cake in the middle of the foyer. The two grin and walk towards it, but Jessica Alba walks before them and doesn’t let them get to their cake.
Null; “Do you know how many eggs it took to make that cake?”
Jessica Alba; “No, I don’t… but do you know what the difference between those eggs and mine are?”
Null; “…No?”
Jessica Alba; “You’re going to fertilize mine!”
Null; “What?!”
Jessica drags Null up the stairs to a bed-room. Null starts to scream and he soon runs out of the room and jumps into the cake from the top of the staircase. Cake splatters everywhere and Hugh Hefner comes in, glaring around. He looks at Jessica and points.
Hugh Hefner; “SHE’S NOT A BUNNY! Girls, get her!”
Random Playboy Bunnies run up the stairs giggling and they jump all over Jessica. She eventually vanishes, but when Jenna Jameson gets up we can see that Miss Alba is stuck between her boobs.
Null; “Sexy.”
---
We arrive at the BWA arena and Dave Simms leaves the limo with the Changs.
Dave Simms; “So an interview later, guys?”
Void; “Sounds good, Dave.”
Dave Simms; “Excellent. See ya.”
Null; “See ya.”