Post by TFP on Oct 21, 2008 16:02:29 GMT -4
[ Jesse and Michael sit at their sofa, flicking through the television. They come across a bunch of absolute bullshit, which results in Jesse turning off the remote and setting it down on his lap. He buries his face into his hands and starts to sob. Bringing his head up, he wipes tears from his eyes and cheeks and begins to speak. ]
Jesse James Miller: "There's nothing on television nowadays, it all sucks. The Simpsons are all drawn out and are no longer entertaining, hell, even Family Guy isn't all that funny anymore. The writers are taking the plots from the show and rehashing it on their brother-show, American Dad. How horrible is that? It's not funny nor is it cool, it's just retarded. I don't like it one bit. South Park is still awesome, though, probably one of the last awesome shows left in the universe. I can find every aspect of that program entertaining and funny, you can't even deny that, even if you are one of those douchebag people who find it immature and retarded. Well, newsflash, you're immature and retarded and shit! Burn! Speaking of news, CNN is mega-boring now. Before they used to show all kinds of awesome stuff like how a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaraunt was shut down due to finding a finger in a bucket of chicken. Pictures were included, CNN was the shit. But now they are boring and are pretty much a free pornography channel with all this crap surrounding Anna Nicole Smith. They're trying to find out how she died and shit. You want the truth on how she died? Seriously, here's how... she's blonde, all right? That plays a major role in this all. Howard Stern had probably told her that if she drank gasoline and oil, then she would have super-huge boobs that are bigger than planet Earth, itself. Seeing how Anna Nicole is a dunce as she was, she probably believed him and followed up with it... leading to her death. But it came as no surprise, really. Did anybody really care? Now with Anna Nicole being CNN's main-story for days and weeks, it gives you an opportunity to masturbate without being naughty by surfing the web for naked women. But I guess CNN isn't that bad, but could they please show some fingers in KFC buckets? Or even in Dairy Queen ice-cream cones? I find it funny and entertaining. Stuff like that is funny and shit! Understand? Good-uh."
[ Clapping his hands like a two year old seeing a cat, he smiles. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "There's even worse stuff on television, now. With the sudden spark of reality television in the last nine years, things have really been boring and annoying. People that we haven't even heard of have a cult on the television going on and why they do, we simply don't know. That lame person that got voted off American Idol apparently has a large fanbase. Seriously, why would somebody be his fan and shit? He has stupid hair! I hate him! Seriously, I hate him and shit. I hate everything that deals with reality television, I just want to burn them all with fire. Elbow Ryan Seacrest in the nuts, attack Jeff Probst with a baseball bat and superkick Tyra Banks over a staircase. Survivor is the lamest show out there right now, how can somebody waste an hour watching that stuff? People on an island with nothing but rice? What the fuck are we learning from it? Watch something useful like Seinfeld or even Everybody Loves Raymond. You can learn awesome jokes and shit. Give it a shot, you won't be disappointed. Next time somebody says something to you, burn them and make them stutter to death with a reply. It's the best thing that you could ever do. America's Next Top Model is probably the stupidest show around. What's to really watch in this? A bunch of skinny, young and self-polluted women thriving to be on the cover of some stupid and local magazine. Is the show guaranteeing them being America's next top model or is it just a lie? I'd say lie, because in every magazine issue of Playboy I got in recent months, I haven't seen one of their damn winners be the cover-girl. Tyra Banks, you're a fucking liar and shit! Besides, I don't want to see any of those women... I want to see women like Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Brooke Burke and Jenna Jameson! They're hot-uh!"
[ Rubbing his genital region, Michael grunts. ]
Jesse James Miller; "Listen to music, nowadays. All of it is polluted with rap and shit. Nobody likes rap, nobody likes 'Fiddy' Cent or The Game. Do you know why this is? Simply because nobody relates to those sons of bitches! Who wants to listen to your words from the street? Who wants to listen about how you grew up, how your mother raised a million children on a single paycheck or how your father left your family and wanted to get back in contact once you became famous. It's all stupid, nobody gives a crap. Maybe write that crap in a journal, diary or publish it in a book; but please, for the sake of our children, don't make it into a song and allow them to listen to your crap. Have you notcied that your music videos are irrelevant to your songs? You have women in bikinis dancing on the hood of your cars while you talk about how much you love your wife. What the fuck, douchebags? Do you really love your wife so much that you want to have near-naked women flaunting themselves on your vehicle? Dumbasses, go to hell where you all belong. Oh, and Enimem... stop posing, we know that you aren't albino or anything. All rappers these days are sell-outs, they are just flat-out sell-outs. The sudden burst of them in recent time is because they see that rap is in, so therefore, they want to become a rapper to earn money and get a reputation. I don't blame them, though. Money and fame is all that matters. In reality and back in the day, I'm sure that Nas and Snoop Dogg were all highschool nerds who had Grade-A marks. But they want a bad-ass image, so they ignore their past, break the law and instantly become a rapper! Oh, the humanity and shit! Also, Sean Paul is stupid and nobody understands him-uh."
[ Jesse punches the wall, putting a hole through it. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "Emo people are also sheep. With the recent clusters of them coming out of nowhere, you come to an understanding that they are just following others and doing what they think is cool. Listen, dumbasses... being emo isn't cool. You instantly become the target of ridicule and are made fun of by every single fucking person. Yeah, we find it entertaining to see you depressed and shit, then talk about how you want to die... but if a gun was held up to your head then you would ball your eyes out, drop on your knees and ask to suck dick in order to live. Yeah, you know you're a poser when! Do you want to know how not to point out a poser? When they like, listen and dress in clothes from generations ten to thirty years ago. If somebody wears bell-bottoms, leather-jackets, flannel-shirts or even have metal-hair... you know that they aren't posing. If somebody is posing, they are dressing up as a gangster or wearing all black. Understand, quizzle-wizzle-ezzle-rizzle-tizzle-yizzle? I'm sure that you do and you better. I'm angry with MTV, now. I paid my satellite and cable provider twenty extra dollars a month in order to get their television channel on my guide so that I could watch it, and half a year later they decide to leave my guide! Then they are replaced with some shitty local music channel and I'm still paying an extra twenty bucks a month for it when I don't have the fucking channel. What makes things even worse is that I can't end the payments for I signed a contract. Fucking assholes, maybe I won't pay altogether. Go die and shit, MTV. You're all lame. How could you have removed Beavis and Butthead from your channel-uh?"
[ We see two big frowns. ]
Jesse James Miller; "Now if you want to know what the best thing is on television at the moment, it's me and my brother Michael. We're the hottest program on the television and you can watch us with ease. We're not boring, we don't make you so annoyed that you are forced to change the channel. No no, instead... we interest you so that you want to watch some more. I mean, who doesn't want to watch M00P two point oh? We're the only interesting thing that cable and satellite has to offer nowadays. MTV, BET, YTV and Comedy can all suck my nutters and shit. It's all about TWO POINT OH!"
[ Hopping to their feet, Michael and Jesse put their hands on their hips and do a Superman pose. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "Yeah, you fucking bunch of idiotic bitches-uh!"
[ Fade out. ]
Jesse James Miller: "There's nothing on television nowadays, it all sucks. The Simpsons are all drawn out and are no longer entertaining, hell, even Family Guy isn't all that funny anymore. The writers are taking the plots from the show and rehashing it on their brother-show, American Dad. How horrible is that? It's not funny nor is it cool, it's just retarded. I don't like it one bit. South Park is still awesome, though, probably one of the last awesome shows left in the universe. I can find every aspect of that program entertaining and funny, you can't even deny that, even if you are one of those douchebag people who find it immature and retarded. Well, newsflash, you're immature and retarded and shit! Burn! Speaking of news, CNN is mega-boring now. Before they used to show all kinds of awesome stuff like how a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaraunt was shut down due to finding a finger in a bucket of chicken. Pictures were included, CNN was the shit. But now they are boring and are pretty much a free pornography channel with all this crap surrounding Anna Nicole Smith. They're trying to find out how she died and shit. You want the truth on how she died? Seriously, here's how... she's blonde, all right? That plays a major role in this all. Howard Stern had probably told her that if she drank gasoline and oil, then she would have super-huge boobs that are bigger than planet Earth, itself. Seeing how Anna Nicole is a dunce as she was, she probably believed him and followed up with it... leading to her death. But it came as no surprise, really. Did anybody really care? Now with Anna Nicole being CNN's main-story for days and weeks, it gives you an opportunity to masturbate without being naughty by surfing the web for naked women. But I guess CNN isn't that bad, but could they please show some fingers in KFC buckets? Or even in Dairy Queen ice-cream cones? I find it funny and entertaining. Stuff like that is funny and shit! Understand? Good-uh."
[ Clapping his hands like a two year old seeing a cat, he smiles. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "There's even worse stuff on television, now. With the sudden spark of reality television in the last nine years, things have really been boring and annoying. People that we haven't even heard of have a cult on the television going on and why they do, we simply don't know. That lame person that got voted off American Idol apparently has a large fanbase. Seriously, why would somebody be his fan and shit? He has stupid hair! I hate him! Seriously, I hate him and shit. I hate everything that deals with reality television, I just want to burn them all with fire. Elbow Ryan Seacrest in the nuts, attack Jeff Probst with a baseball bat and superkick Tyra Banks over a staircase. Survivor is the lamest show out there right now, how can somebody waste an hour watching that stuff? People on an island with nothing but rice? What the fuck are we learning from it? Watch something useful like Seinfeld or even Everybody Loves Raymond. You can learn awesome jokes and shit. Give it a shot, you won't be disappointed. Next time somebody says something to you, burn them and make them stutter to death with a reply. It's the best thing that you could ever do. America's Next Top Model is probably the stupidest show around. What's to really watch in this? A bunch of skinny, young and self-polluted women thriving to be on the cover of some stupid and local magazine. Is the show guaranteeing them being America's next top model or is it just a lie? I'd say lie, because in every magazine issue of Playboy I got in recent months, I haven't seen one of their damn winners be the cover-girl. Tyra Banks, you're a fucking liar and shit! Besides, I don't want to see any of those women... I want to see women like Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Brooke Burke and Jenna Jameson! They're hot-uh!"
[ Rubbing his genital region, Michael grunts. ]
Jesse James Miller; "Listen to music, nowadays. All of it is polluted with rap and shit. Nobody likes rap, nobody likes 'Fiddy' Cent or The Game. Do you know why this is? Simply because nobody relates to those sons of bitches! Who wants to listen to your words from the street? Who wants to listen about how you grew up, how your mother raised a million children on a single paycheck or how your father left your family and wanted to get back in contact once you became famous. It's all stupid, nobody gives a crap. Maybe write that crap in a journal, diary or publish it in a book; but please, for the sake of our children, don't make it into a song and allow them to listen to your crap. Have you notcied that your music videos are irrelevant to your songs? You have women in bikinis dancing on the hood of your cars while you talk about how much you love your wife. What the fuck, douchebags? Do you really love your wife so much that you want to have near-naked women flaunting themselves on your vehicle? Dumbasses, go to hell where you all belong. Oh, and Enimem... stop posing, we know that you aren't albino or anything. All rappers these days are sell-outs, they are just flat-out sell-outs. The sudden burst of them in recent time is because they see that rap is in, so therefore, they want to become a rapper to earn money and get a reputation. I don't blame them, though. Money and fame is all that matters. In reality and back in the day, I'm sure that Nas and Snoop Dogg were all highschool nerds who had Grade-A marks. But they want a bad-ass image, so they ignore their past, break the law and instantly become a rapper! Oh, the humanity and shit! Also, Sean Paul is stupid and nobody understands him-uh."
[ Jesse punches the wall, putting a hole through it. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "Emo people are also sheep. With the recent clusters of them coming out of nowhere, you come to an understanding that they are just following others and doing what they think is cool. Listen, dumbasses... being emo isn't cool. You instantly become the target of ridicule and are made fun of by every single fucking person. Yeah, we find it entertaining to see you depressed and shit, then talk about how you want to die... but if a gun was held up to your head then you would ball your eyes out, drop on your knees and ask to suck dick in order to live. Yeah, you know you're a poser when! Do you want to know how not to point out a poser? When they like, listen and dress in clothes from generations ten to thirty years ago. If somebody wears bell-bottoms, leather-jackets, flannel-shirts or even have metal-hair... you know that they aren't posing. If somebody is posing, they are dressing up as a gangster or wearing all black. Understand, quizzle-wizzle-ezzle-rizzle-tizzle-yizzle? I'm sure that you do and you better. I'm angry with MTV, now. I paid my satellite and cable provider twenty extra dollars a month in order to get their television channel on my guide so that I could watch it, and half a year later they decide to leave my guide! Then they are replaced with some shitty local music channel and I'm still paying an extra twenty bucks a month for it when I don't have the fucking channel. What makes things even worse is that I can't end the payments for I signed a contract. Fucking assholes, maybe I won't pay altogether. Go die and shit, MTV. You're all lame. How could you have removed Beavis and Butthead from your channel-uh?"
[ We see two big frowns. ]
Jesse James Miller; "Now if you want to know what the best thing is on television at the moment, it's me and my brother Michael. We're the hottest program on the television and you can watch us with ease. We're not boring, we don't make you so annoyed that you are forced to change the channel. No no, instead... we interest you so that you want to watch some more. I mean, who doesn't want to watch M00P two point oh? We're the only interesting thing that cable and satellite has to offer nowadays. MTV, BET, YTV and Comedy can all suck my nutters and shit. It's all about TWO POINT OH!"
[ Hopping to their feet, Michael and Jesse put their hands on their hips and do a Superman pose. ]
Michael Lee Miller; "Yeah, you fucking bunch of idiotic bitches-uh!"
[ Fade out. ]