Post by TFP on Nov 8, 2008 23:13:39 GMT -4
Bob Pocket sits at the table reading the Daily Newspaper, eating a waffle with a spoon and drinking a glass of microwaved marshmallows. PJ Curtis is trying to clean out his own glass of microwaved marshmallows, but it just doesn't want to come clean and become see-through anymore, so PJ gets fed up and throws it outside of the window of his apartment, causing it to smash on one of the main city roads below.
Bob Pocket: "Hey, PJ, believe it or not you're name is in the paper."
PJ Curtis: "Really? Where? Why?"
Bob Pocket: "Yeah, really. Come over here and see, you're in the obituaries of all places. Hahahaha!"
PJ Curtis: "What?! That's nonsense, lemme see."
He runs over to Bob and grabs the newspaper, reading it and he spots his name.
PJ Curtis: "Okay, that's creepy. Not only is that my name, but that's my birthdate and birthplace, too. I think I smell a prank."
Bob Pocket: "No, that's no prank - I farted."
PJ Curtis: "Okay, for a minute there I thought you pooped in the heater. But if you say so."
Bob Pocket: "Shouldn't you call the newspaper and find out why you're in there?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, actually, I'm going to do that RIGHT now."
Walking into a different room, PJ takes a seat on the sofa and grabs the phone. He dials the number to the Newspaper Publisher, and it's amazing how he found out their phone number without even looking. But he probably calls them enough as it is to put in false information and submit stupid news to them that's not believable at all. So after a few rings, they finally pick up.
News Guy: "San Diego Daily News, how may I help you?"
PJ Curtis: "Hi."
News Guy: "Hey...?"
PJ Curtis: "Why am I in the obituaries?"
News Guy: "Who are you?"
PJ Curtis: "The name is PJ Curtis. Why am I in the obituaries?"
News Guy: "One moment, let me look."
Silence, assuming he's checking it over.
News Guy: "Hmmm, odd. I don't know. You say you're PJ Curtis and that's your birthdate and birthplace?"
PJ Curtis: "Yes, that's who I am and that information is correct."
News Guy: "I believe you man, I really do - but there's nothing I can tell you until you come to the building with identification and proof that you're PJ Curtis. Once you do that we can solve this problem, alright?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, totally. Where is your building?"
News Guy: "It's on (San Diego's Main Road), do you know where that is?"
PJ Curtis: "Wow, totally. It's right across the street. Go figure."
News Guy: "Interesting, come down and we'll sort this mess out."
PJ puts on cargo pants, a t-shirt and shoes, then heads out of his building with his wallet in hand. He runs across the street, past broken glass, blood, an ambulance, cars with popped tires, police men and marshmallow fluff all over the place. Awesome scenario and PJ would love to be involved with it somehow, but right now he has something to take care of and that is something as serious as this falsely claimed death.
PJ Curtis: "News Guy? Where are you?"
News Guy: "I'm right here, PJ. Reading a newspaper on a chair, covering my face. Come sit beside me and act casual."
PJ Curtis: "Okay."
PJ walks over and sits beside News Guy, looking ahead.
News Guy: "Here, put these on."
He's handed a pair of glasses with a fake nose and fake moustache. He puts them on.
PJ Curtis: "What's the purpose of these?"
News Guy: "To make yourself fit in with everybody else."
PJ Curtis: "It's not going to work! These things are ridiculous, they won't help make me fit in with the people - they'll make me stand out more! And why should I care about fitting in with the people, I'm not here to be part of the crowd, I'm here to find out why I'm in the damn obituaries when I'm still alive and kicking."
News Guy: "Or are you, PJ? Are you still alive?"
PJ Curtis: "Of course I am."
News Guy: "Think again. Why did I make you put on glasses and a moustache? Because everybody here, like me, believes that you're dead. Society and the world are not ready to hear the news that you're still alive or even get word that you're around them. Get real, PJ - people and their fragile feelings cannot cope with reality. Think of how many people are now home crying, reading your name in the obituaries. Your friend Bob, do you remember his initial reaction this morning when he saw your name in the obituaries?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, he laughed about it. Not a tear. Bob doesn't cry, you don't understand."
News Guy: "Oh, well... you're friend is the antichrist while you, you're a saint."
PJ Curtis: "This is stupid, I'm taking these off."
News Guy: "Don't or else you'll blow your cover!"
He takes them off and everybody looks at him.
Girl in Line: "PJ CURTIS! HE'S STILL ALIVE!"
News Guy: "You fool!"
PJ Curtis: "Oh shit. Unwanted attention!"
He puts them back on.
Girl in Line: "Hey! Sir, that wasn't funny. Not at all! Don't do that stuff!"
PJ Curtis: "Sorry."
News Guy: "You see?"
PJ Curtis: "Yes, I do. You know what? I think you know more than I think you do. I think you know why I'm in the obituaries, I think you know why I can't reveal myself to the public eye anymore and I think you know who is responsible behind all of this. Tell me who did this, why they did this and when I can finally come out of hiding? I'm sick and tired of this shit already, tell me, News Guy! Tell me!"
Grabbing News Guy by the newspaper, he starts to crumple it into a ball.
News Guy: "Stop it! I'll spill the beans!"
Releasing his grip, PJ stares at him.
News Guy: "Okay, it was Bob Pocket. He decided to do it as a prank, for some unknown reason. I'm his cousin, News Guy, I work here at the Daily Newspaper, and like him, I keep my face covered at all times - only behind this trusty newspaper that you ALMOST destroyed on me. News spreads fast, really. San Diego is a city of like... billions of people... and people believe you're dead. Do not fuck with the news, we're trusted and reliable, don't tarnish the name... please."
PJ Curtis: "Okay... okay... but why? What was the reason?"
News Guy: "Because Bob thinks you're a bitch. That's why."
PJ Curtis: "Huh? That makes no sense."
News Guy: "Yes it does. Oh-bitch-u-aries."
PJ Curtis: "I'm gonna kill him!"
News Guy: "Don't do it! Just lay low for awhile, like several years or something, or go under an alter-ego of some sorts. Do it for your own good and ours, too. You can do it, PJ, it's not a hard thing to do. For awhile, I've noticed, you've been getting totally sick of yourself and couldn't stand yourself for long. You wanted out of this thing, you wanted to finish yourself."
PJ Curtis: "You're weird, I did not."
News Guy: "Alright, well, it was worth a try. Just don't reveal your true self. Find another identity, then live as it. The world now believes that you, PJ Curtis, is dead. You're no longer alive, PJ. Now go home, speak to Bob about the issue, and find a way to emerge in public as somebody else... as something else, even. Change your identity, do whatever it takes. Do you hear me?"
PJ Curtis: "This is a joke that has gone too far!"
News Guy: "DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
PJ Curtis: "Yes!"
Getting up, he storms out of the Daily Newspaper and goes home.
Bob Pocket: "Hey, PJ, believe it or not you're name is in the paper."
PJ Curtis: "Really? Where? Why?"
Bob Pocket: "Yeah, really. Come over here and see, you're in the obituaries of all places. Hahahaha!"
PJ Curtis: "What?! That's nonsense, lemme see."
He runs over to Bob and grabs the newspaper, reading it and he spots his name.
PJ Curtis: "Okay, that's creepy. Not only is that my name, but that's my birthdate and birthplace, too. I think I smell a prank."
Bob Pocket: "No, that's no prank - I farted."
PJ Curtis: "Okay, for a minute there I thought you pooped in the heater. But if you say so."
Bob Pocket: "Shouldn't you call the newspaper and find out why you're in there?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, actually, I'm going to do that RIGHT now."
Walking into a different room, PJ takes a seat on the sofa and grabs the phone. He dials the number to the Newspaper Publisher, and it's amazing how he found out their phone number without even looking. But he probably calls them enough as it is to put in false information and submit stupid news to them that's not believable at all. So after a few rings, they finally pick up.
News Guy: "San Diego Daily News, how may I help you?"
PJ Curtis: "Hi."
News Guy: "Hey...?"
PJ Curtis: "Why am I in the obituaries?"
News Guy: "Who are you?"
PJ Curtis: "The name is PJ Curtis. Why am I in the obituaries?"
News Guy: "One moment, let me look."
Silence, assuming he's checking it over.
News Guy: "Hmmm, odd. I don't know. You say you're PJ Curtis and that's your birthdate and birthplace?"
PJ Curtis: "Yes, that's who I am and that information is correct."
News Guy: "I believe you man, I really do - but there's nothing I can tell you until you come to the building with identification and proof that you're PJ Curtis. Once you do that we can solve this problem, alright?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, totally. Where is your building?"
News Guy: "It's on (San Diego's Main Road), do you know where that is?"
PJ Curtis: "Wow, totally. It's right across the street. Go figure."
News Guy: "Interesting, come down and we'll sort this mess out."
PJ puts on cargo pants, a t-shirt and shoes, then heads out of his building with his wallet in hand. He runs across the street, past broken glass, blood, an ambulance, cars with popped tires, police men and marshmallow fluff all over the place. Awesome scenario and PJ would love to be involved with it somehow, but right now he has something to take care of and that is something as serious as this falsely claimed death.
PJ Curtis: "News Guy? Where are you?"
News Guy: "I'm right here, PJ. Reading a newspaper on a chair, covering my face. Come sit beside me and act casual."
PJ Curtis: "Okay."
PJ walks over and sits beside News Guy, looking ahead.
News Guy: "Here, put these on."
He's handed a pair of glasses with a fake nose and fake moustache. He puts them on.
PJ Curtis: "What's the purpose of these?"
News Guy: "To make yourself fit in with everybody else."
PJ Curtis: "It's not going to work! These things are ridiculous, they won't help make me fit in with the people - they'll make me stand out more! And why should I care about fitting in with the people, I'm not here to be part of the crowd, I'm here to find out why I'm in the damn obituaries when I'm still alive and kicking."
News Guy: "Or are you, PJ? Are you still alive?"
PJ Curtis: "Of course I am."
News Guy: "Think again. Why did I make you put on glasses and a moustache? Because everybody here, like me, believes that you're dead. Society and the world are not ready to hear the news that you're still alive or even get word that you're around them. Get real, PJ - people and their fragile feelings cannot cope with reality. Think of how many people are now home crying, reading your name in the obituaries. Your friend Bob, do you remember his initial reaction this morning when he saw your name in the obituaries?"
PJ Curtis: "Yeah, he laughed about it. Not a tear. Bob doesn't cry, you don't understand."
News Guy: "Oh, well... you're friend is the antichrist while you, you're a saint."
PJ Curtis: "This is stupid, I'm taking these off."
News Guy: "Don't or else you'll blow your cover!"
He takes them off and everybody looks at him.
Girl in Line: "PJ CURTIS! HE'S STILL ALIVE!"
News Guy: "You fool!"
PJ Curtis: "Oh shit. Unwanted attention!"
He puts them back on.
Girl in Line: "Hey! Sir, that wasn't funny. Not at all! Don't do that stuff!"
PJ Curtis: "Sorry."
News Guy: "You see?"
PJ Curtis: "Yes, I do. You know what? I think you know more than I think you do. I think you know why I'm in the obituaries, I think you know why I can't reveal myself to the public eye anymore and I think you know who is responsible behind all of this. Tell me who did this, why they did this and when I can finally come out of hiding? I'm sick and tired of this shit already, tell me, News Guy! Tell me!"
Grabbing News Guy by the newspaper, he starts to crumple it into a ball.
News Guy: "Stop it! I'll spill the beans!"
Releasing his grip, PJ stares at him.
News Guy: "Okay, it was Bob Pocket. He decided to do it as a prank, for some unknown reason. I'm his cousin, News Guy, I work here at the Daily Newspaper, and like him, I keep my face covered at all times - only behind this trusty newspaper that you ALMOST destroyed on me. News spreads fast, really. San Diego is a city of like... billions of people... and people believe you're dead. Do not fuck with the news, we're trusted and reliable, don't tarnish the name... please."
PJ Curtis: "Okay... okay... but why? What was the reason?"
News Guy: "Because Bob thinks you're a bitch. That's why."
PJ Curtis: "Huh? That makes no sense."
News Guy: "Yes it does. Oh-bitch-u-aries."
PJ Curtis: "I'm gonna kill him!"
News Guy: "Don't do it! Just lay low for awhile, like several years or something, or go under an alter-ego of some sorts. Do it for your own good and ours, too. You can do it, PJ, it's not a hard thing to do. For awhile, I've noticed, you've been getting totally sick of yourself and couldn't stand yourself for long. You wanted out of this thing, you wanted to finish yourself."
PJ Curtis: "You're weird, I did not."
News Guy: "Alright, well, it was worth a try. Just don't reveal your true self. Find another identity, then live as it. The world now believes that you, PJ Curtis, is dead. You're no longer alive, PJ. Now go home, speak to Bob about the issue, and find a way to emerge in public as somebody else... as something else, even. Change your identity, do whatever it takes. Do you hear me?"
PJ Curtis: "This is a joke that has gone too far!"
News Guy: "DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
PJ Curtis: "Yes!"
Getting up, he storms out of the Daily Newspaper and goes home.